BARNFATHER AND VIRGO HAVE TRAVELLED TO THE NORTH OF ENGLAND TO INSPECT THE YORKSHIRE VILLAGE OF RAMSAY HATCH. AS THEY CROSS THE MOORS, THEY REALISE THEY ARE LOST AND LOW ON FUEL. THEY PULL INTO AN OLD PETROL STATION BUT A HANGING SIGN INFORMS THEM THAT THE PUMPS ARE DRY! VIRGO Oh bugger! Look guv'. they're out of fuckin' petrol! BARNFATHER Blast! How damned inconvenient. I was also hoping that they could tell us the way! VIRGO Ey boss. maybe that bird can point us in the right direction? OVER THE ROAD STANDS A SCANTILY CLAD YOUNG LADY PACING UP AND DOWN, HER CLICKING HEELS ECHOING ACROSS THE LANDSCAPE. BARNFATHER BECKONS HER OVER, WHEREUPON SHE APPLIES SOME LIPSTICK, SMILES, AND SAUNTERS HIS WAY. AS SHE LEANS INTO THE CAR, HER CHEAP PERFUME FILLS THE AIR AND MAKES HIS EYES WATER! KITTEN SMITH Looking for business sir? BARNFATHER Er. no thank you! We're looking for the village of Ramsay Hatch. are we on the right track? KITTEN SMITH Yes sir, its half a mile down this road. you can't miss it. It's nestled between two large hills that stick out a mile, ha-ha-ha! BARNFATHER Much obliged. drive on Virgo! VIRGO PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN AND RACES TOWARDS THE WONDERFULLY INVITING BOSOM-SHAPED HILLS THAT SURROUND THE LITTLE VILLAGE. BARNFATHER Virgo, did you notice anything strangely alluring about that young lady? VIRGO Yeah, she had 'er tits out, and she was on the game! BARNFATHER Don't be silly man! I was referring to her "Come hither stare!" Wasn't it mesmerising? VIRGO Yeah. and so was 'er Bristol's! HAVING FINALLY ARRIVED IN RAMSAY HATCH, THEY CRUISE PAST THE VILLAGE SHOPS AND SPOT TWO STRANGE LOOKING VILLAGERS. ONE CARRIES A LARGE FISH, AND THE OTHER, A SACK OF POTATOES. VIRGO Hells bells! What the fuck are they all about? BARNFATHER I'm not sure, but they seem to be dressed up for some kind of nature worship. this community seems deeply pagan! THE TWO VILLAGERS ARE DISCUSSING TONIGHTS TEA. MRS HOPE Fish and Chips tonight dear? MR HOPE Lovely-jubbly! AS THEY PASS THE VILLAGE GREEN, THEY DRIVE STRAIGHT INTO THE GIANT SHADOWS OF THREE HUGE WOODEN IDOLS THAT STAND WITHIN THE GROUNDS OF THE VILLAGE ZOO GARDEN. BARNFATHER Christ-almighty Virgo, look. Wicker Men! VIRGO Fuck me! What are those wooden-wankers used for? BARNFATHER Well, I've read a lot about Wicker Men. Centuries ago Celtic man used to fill them with people, cattle, and small animals, and burn them at sunset to appease their gods of nature. I must say though, these are by far the strangest ones I've seen. Come on. let's take a closer look! VIRGO Two questions boss! Why are they pointin' their cocks in the air, and why 'ave they got the horn? BARNFATHER Well Virgo, these "Horny Men," as I will call them, are aiming their genitalia towards those barren fields over there in a proud display of fertility! Get snapping man! Oh, and I'll need some nice close-ups of their erections. what a damned clever use of topiary! VIRGO Look at the size of that fuckin' pecker boss! That would make a Barmaid's eyes water! BARNFATHER Hurry man. I don't like the look of this! I suspect that the locals are planning some kind of sacrifice! IN THE ZOO GARDEN OFFICE SURROUNDED BY ANIMAL SCULPTURES, THE MANAGER IS COMPLAINING TO THE TOPIARY CENTRE. MRS PARTRIDGE Hello, is that Tinkers Topiary? It's Mrs Partridge from the Ramsay Hatch Zoo Garden. I'm sorry but you've delivered the wrong thing! I ordered the Wicker Hen with a water feature! JUST AS VIRGO IS RELOADING. JETS OF FLUID COME SHOOTING OUT OF THE WICKER MEN! VIRGO This takes me back guv'. Triple-horn-money-shot. it's just like shootin' porn! AT THAT MOMENT THE WIND CHANGES DIRECTION AND THEY BOTH BEGIN TO GET SOAKED. THEY DASH ACROSS THE ROAD FOR COVER AND ARE ALMOST RUN OVER BY A VAN. IT SPEEDS OUT OF THE VILLAGE CARRYING A BROKEN CRUCIFIX. VIRGO Look out boss. fuckin' nutter! BARNFATHER Phew that was close! They're driving the crucifix out of the village. what a sinister ritual! I guess they must be cleansing the village of all Christian influence! INSIDE THE VAN, LOCAL BUILDER JIMMY LOGAN IS TALKING TO HIS BOSS ON HIS MOBILE. JIMMY LOGAN It's fallen off again Stan. the Vicar wants us to repair it! BARNFATHER To the church Virgo. lets see if the Vicar can shine some light on this sinister event! A LITTLE SHAKEN, BARNFATHER AND VIRGO RACE TOWARDS THE CHURCH. THEY BURST INTO THE CHAPEL TO SEE THAT THE VICAR IS STOOD IN THE AISLE WITH AN OLD LADY KNEELING AT HIS GROIN! BARNFATHER Good heavens! Don't look now Virgo. the Vicar is being pleasured! VIRGO Fuck me, I wouldn't fancy being blown by that crusty old tart guv'! Well. not unless she had a paper bag over 'er head! REVEREND FRANCIS Good afternoon gentlemen! I'll be with you in a tick. she's just finishing me off! BARNFATHER Come on Virgo. let's get out of here! SPINSTER JEANETTE There you go Vicar. that button shouldn't come off again! REVEREND FRANCIS Bless you Jeanette! SHOCKED AND CONFUSED THEY DECIDE TO CALM THEIR NERVES WITH A FEW DRINKS AT "THE PERISCOPE," WHERE VIRGO REFLECTS ON THE DAYS EVENTS. VIRGO Well I'm baffled boss! Empty petrol stations. Hookers hangin' about on the moors. Locals dressed up as fish and potatoes. Wicker men wiv their knobs out. People nickin' church crosses. Cock-suckin' spinsters. what the fuck does it all mean? BARNFATHER I have given these shameful events careful consideration, and this is what I believe is going on here today. That woman we met was a lure, planted there to entice unwitting strangers into the village. The two masked villagers in the high street were masquerading as both animal and vegetable spirits, and will no doubt attend tonight's proceedings. The "Horny Men" are barbaric cages of death that will seal the fate of those who are chosen to die within. The petrol station has provided the fuel to help the Wicker Men burn. The church cross has been removed so as not to anger their pagan deities, and the Vicar clearly shows signs that he has long since given up all Christian values. It all points to the fact that something brutally un-christian is going on in this seemingly quaint little village. and someone is about to be sacrificed to the gods these primitive folk worship! VIRGO But who the fuck could that be? BARNFATHER Brace yourself man! Because judging by the way the pub went quiet when we entered. I think that the sacrifice could be us! VIRGO You're havin' me on! BARNFATHER Quite the reverse Virgo. and all that is needed now is the spark that ignites this god-forsaken rite! ONE OF THE REGULARS, TAFFY MUNRO, TAPS BARNFATHER ON THE SHOULDER WITH AN UNLIT CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH! TAFFY MUNRO Can I borrow your lighter Sir? BARNFATHER Quickly Virgo, finish your drink. I think it's time we left! THE FRIGHTENED PAIR JUMP INTO THE CITROEN, AND WITH TYRES SMOKING THEY SCREETCH AWAY FROM THE PUB! AS THEY RACE BACK TOWARDS THE VILLAGE GREEN, VIRGO SKIDS AND CLIPS THE KERB, CAUSING BARNFATHER TO DROP HIS CIGAR OUT OF THE WINDOW! IT IS CAUGHT BY A GUST OF WIND AND IT LANDS AT THE FEET OF THE WICKER MEN. THEY BEGIN TO BURN! VIRGO Fuckin'-Ada guv'! Look behind you. they've torched 'em all! BARNFATHER Think yourself lucky Virgo, we escaped just in time. what a close shave that was! VIRGO Yeah, a real pant-browner! BARNFATHER Watch my leather seats man? Text, Photographs and Logo  © Copyright 2005 Christopher Noulton