A STORM IS GATHERING OVER A SNOW COVERED LAY-BY NOT FAR FROM THE CORNISH VILLAGE OF SEXTON GAMBLE. LOST AND TIRED, BARNFATHER AND VIRGO HAVE TO STOP FOR DIRECTIONS. THEY PULL UP NEXT TO A ROADSIDE CAFE WHERE POLICE SEARGENT REG CALDWELL IS TALKING TO THE OWNER. REG CALDWELL Crikey Bob, these jacket potatoes are manky, and the salad’s not much better! BOB SWINE Sorry Reg, bit of a bad crop this year. The frost must have got to them! BARNFATHER Excuse me for interrupting gents, but which way is Sexton Gamble? REG CALDWELL Three miles further on squire. Just follow the storm, it’s heading that way! BARNFATHER Many thanks! Drive on Virgo. BARNFATHER Virgo, did you notice anything strangely odd about that policeman? VIRGO Yeah, the fat-faced rozzer looked just like the spud he was eating! BARNFATHER Don’t be silly man, I was referring to the sauce stains on his shirt and tie, and the chips sticking out of his pocket. For a pillar of the community, he’s a bit of a scruff! UPON ARRIVING IN SEXTON GAMBLE, THEY CHECK INTO THE FAMILY RUN “TRUELOVE HOTEL,” AND TAKE THE LIFT TO THEIR ROOM ON THE FIRST FLOOR. NO SOONER DOES IT START TO RISE WHEN IT SUDDENLY JUDDERS TO A HALT! THE LIGHTS GO OUT, AND THEY ARE PLUNGED INTO DARKNESS. VIRGO PRESSES THE ALARM BUTTON AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, DIY MAD STANLEY TRUELOVE PRISES THE DOORS OPEN! STANLEY TRUELOVE Sorry lads, but we’ve run out of electricity again. Bloody Power Company charges a fortune! BARNFATHER Oh I see! Would you mind showing us to our rooms please? STANLEY TRUELOVE Sorry, I can’t hear you for the alarm bell! IN A FLASH, HE PULLS OUT HIS HAMMER, SWINGS IT AROUND HIS HEAD AND GIVES THE CONTROL PANEL AN ALMIGHTY WHACK! SPARKS FLY, AND THE ALARM STOPS. HE SMILES AND PROUDLY KISSES THE END OF IT! STANLEY TRUELOVE Sorted lads! Nice hammer this one, well-balanced shaft, rubber handle, and an extra- tempered head! VIRGO Oi mate! We’ve just driven through the night to get here, so stop kissing yer tool and show us to our room! ONCE INSIDE, BARNFATHER OPENS THE WINDOW TO LET SOME AIR IN. OUTSIDE, THE WIND HAS REALLY PICKED UP AND LIGHTNING FLASHES OVERHEAD. HE OVERHEARS TWO VILLAGERS CHATTING IN THE STREET BELOW. DES JONES Did you remember to bring any gloves with you Davey? You want to be well insulated! DAVEY PIKE Sure did Mr Jones, my mum lent me her oven gloves. Power to the people! BARNFATHER How peculiar! Anyway, lets get our heads down for an hour Virgo, before investigating what dark secrets Sexton Gamble has hidden away. AS BARNFATHER AND VIRGO SLEEP, THE STORM RAGES OUTSIDE. THE WIND IS NOW SO FIERCE THAT IT TEARS DOWN THE ADVERTISING HOARDINGS THAT SURROUND THE VILLAGE. BITS OF TORN POSTERS ARE BLOWN ALL OVER THE PLACE, SOME GETTING CAUGHT UP IN FENCES AND ELECTRICITY PYLONS. BACK AT THE HOTEL, BARNFATHER IS WOKEN BY A HUGE THUNDERCLAP! HE ALSO HEARS THE MURMERING OF CROWDS OF PEOPLE WALKING PAST THE HOTEL. BARNFATHER Wake up Virgo! It sounds as if the whole village is on the move. Quickly man, grab your cameras, I think I can smell ritual in the air! THEY DISCRETELY FOLLOW THE MOVING CROWD TO THE VILLAGE GREEN, WHERE A STARTLING SIGHT MEETS THEM! THE WHOLE OF THE VILLAGE IS GATHERED BENEATH A HUGE ELECTRICITY PYLON COVERED IN TORN BITS OF POSTERS, WHICH HAVE QUITE BY ACCIDENT ARRANGED THEMSELVES INTO A PICTURE OF A TOUGH LOOKING BEARDED MAN WIELDING A HAMMER. VIRGO Fuckin’ Ada guv’, what’s all this about then? BARNFATHER Look at the face on the electricity pylon Virgo, does it remind you of anyone? VIRGO As a matter of fact it does boss. My Uncle Cyril! BARNFATHER Don’t talk nonsense man. You only have to look at the mad eyes, red hair, and dirty great hammer to realise that it is in fact Thor! VIRGO Are you sure guv’? Cos after a few pints Uncle Cyril used to undo his flies and wave his hammer about! BARNFATHER Quite sure Virgo! The question is why do the inhabitants of Sexton Gamble need to invoke him? VIRGO Don’t ask me boss, anyway who’s Thor when he’s at home? BARNFATHER Well, in Norse mythology Thor was the god of thunder. A deity worshipped by the common people of the land. They believed that the thunder and lightning were linked to the fertility of the crops, and this working class hero was summoned to chase away the frosts and release the earth from its bondage of ice and snow! VIRGO Bondage hey guv’. I always shoot’s me bondage in black and white! It’s classier that way, or so the city gents who buy my dirty little postcards tell me! A FEW YARDS AWAY, DAVEY PIKE IS GETTING READY TO CLIMB THE PYLON! DES JONES Here’s the cable Davey. I’ve connected the other end up to all the houses, now make sure you plug this end into the right terminal! DAVEY PIKE Ok Mr Jones, but how am I going to get past the bloody posters that have blown over the pylon? DES JONES Just tear the fuckers off son, and hurry because if the electric company realise that we’re nicking their power again, we’ll get banged up! SOMEONE IN THE CROWD Come on son, connect us up, you’ll save us a fortune! THERE IS A LOUD BANG! VIRGO WINCES AS THE YOUNG LAD GETS ELECTROCUTED. THE CROWD SIGH AS A VISIBLY BLACKENED DAVEY PIKE BEGINS TO CLIMB BACK DOWN. VIRGO Fuck me, the fucker got frazzled! BARNFATHER Stupid boy, he’s suffering the wrath of Thor! They’re celebrating on the wrong day, today’s Wednesday, and Thor’s day is tomorrow! AS THEY LEAVE THE PROCEEDINGS, THEY PASS TWO DECORATORS WHO ARE PAINTING THE WROUGHT IRON GATES OF THE MANOR HOUSE. MAX NUGENT If we’re quick Nancy, we’ll get this finished today. Undercoat this morning and Hammerite tonight! BARNFATHER I don’t believe it! These imbecilles need to look at their calendars. This rite of the hammer should be performed tomorrow! THEY STOP BY A LOCAL CAFE AND OVER AN ESPRESSO AND CUP CAKES, VIRGO REFLECTS ON THE DAYS EVENTS! VIRGO Well I’m baffled boss! Moaning spud-heads in lay-by’s. Mental handymen wiv a fetish for their tools. Tossers wearing oven gloves in the street. Pylons plastered with pictures of some ginger bugger. People getting electrocuted ‘cos they’ve got their days mixed up, and painters harking on about hammer rites. What does it all mean? BARNFATHER Well, I’ve given today’s proceedings a lot of thought young man, and this is what I believe is going on here today! The roadside cafe proprietor was clearly serving up inferior potatoes due to his crops failing. This is no doubt due to the fact that Sexton Gamble is currently gripped by the worst winter I’ve seen in ages. Thor wielded a hammer named “Mjolner” with great skill, and Mr Truelove who rescued us from the lift, is clearly emulating his hero. Young Davey Pike, the lad wearing the oven gloves, was trying to connect all of the houses in the village to the pylon, as a way of channelling Thor’s energy and fertility to one and all! This community has clearly chosen to personify the pylon as a symbol of power, and have decorated it, albeit crudely, in the image of their sky god. This it seems has been done in a desperate attempt to summon him from his place of rest and drive out the ice and snow that is sapping the life from this village. The two painters we passed were rushing to get those gates painted so they could participate in Sexton Gamble’s rite of the hammer. After all, who would want to miss the spectacular sight of Thor flying in his giant chariot across the sky? VIRGO Blimey guv’, you really know your stuff! THE NEW OWNERS OF THE CAFE, DWARF TWINS DICKIE AND DANNY DOLPHIN ARE GRUMBLING ABOUT LIFE BEHIND THE COUNTER! DICKIE DOLPHIN We never should have left the circus Danny. We’re just not cut out for this cafe lark! DANNY DOLPHIN I know what you mean Dickie. I can’t even see over the counter properly, let alone reach anything on the shelves! DICKIE DOLPHIN Tell me about it Danny. I fancy a glass of orange juice, but it’s up so high! DANNY DOLPHIN Hang on Dickie, maybe those two townies can help? Excuse us fellars, have you got a head for heights? We can't quite reach the juice! BARNFATHER Hang on Virgo, juice is a slang term for electricity isn't it? Head for heights, my god man, they want us to climb the pylon! Even these two little chaps are part of this strange cult! VIRGO We'd better scarper, and quick guv'! I've worked with dwarves before on a blue film. You don't wanna cross ‘em. They've got a fuse as short as their trousers! VIRGO FRANTICALLY FOLLOWS BARNFATHER OUT OF THE CAFE TOWARDS THE CAR. BARNFATHER Quickly man, before we become the latest casualties of this god-forsaken ritual! VIRGO Hold your horses guv', I've left me cup cakes behind! BARNFATHER Forget them Virgo, they looked like something that's been scraped off of the pavement anyway! VIRGO Shit-shaped or not boss, me stomach's rumbling! BARNFATHER Hurry man, for god's sake put your foot down and drive me back to civilisation! Text, Photographs and Logo  © Copyright 2005 Christopher Noulton